


Drowning

by Emma_Raye



Series: Sarah Spirals [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Asphyxiation, Depression, Drowning, Drug Use, Gen, Homophobia, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-08-09 14:28:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16451627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emma_Raye/pseuds/Emma_Raye
Summary: Sarah has spent the better part of her life drowning.





	Drowning

**Author's Note:**

> This is an original work I wrote. Please check the tags for trigger warnings. It's not a light work by any means.

Sarah spent the better part of her childhood drowning in one way or another. When she was three, her mother threw her in the pool and she kicked and flung her arms until air finally returned to her lungs. Her mother grinned and congratulated her on her survival instincts when she finally made it to the side. How excellent.

Excellence, fucking drowning in excellence is all she ever did. As she drowned herself in book after book in fourth grade in order to get ahead. Learning all the prefixes and suffixes and their meanings would increase her vocabulary and ability to understand unknown words. Apparently lack of sleep didn’t affect her ability to learn because seven hours is unhealthy at nine. But what did the doctor know anyway?

Nothing. The doctor knew nothing. The doctor apparently knew she had anger issues and was depressed but has he ever drowned before? Has he ever been drowning in people who just want to talk to you to get the answers because Sarah, you’re the smartest in the eighth grade. Please be my partner. Did you do the homework?

And then drowning in silence because after its all said and done homework doesn’t make friends. Smarts and a brain drowning in how ab means away, homo means same, and hetero means different. And god was she hetero right now, though the older girls in high-school constantly called her homo. Apparently short hair and a jean jacket meant she was the same, but god that’s not what they meant and wow were they right.

And so she wore skinny jeans and crop tops because that’s what normals wore to fit in and then she wouldn’t be abnormal. But god the way that shirt felt around her neck was strangling, almost the same as drowning. The sweetness of asphyxiation since she was three was a delight because skinny jeans and crop tops weren’t the keys to being one with the rest, but thank the higher beings for the others who weren’t the same.

And they showed her just how sweet asphyxiation could be. Coughing after taking a hit made her fly and goddamn she wrote poems and she was simply brilliant according to her teachers. Could you write a few more? We’ll submit them as a collection? And wow, your math scores too. Why do you hang out with those kids? Those kids, the ones who understood exactly what it felt like to drown and to sink and asphyxiate.

Hell, they encouraged it and it was fun, but clearly all good must come to an end because they went to. She was too uptight with the fact she always went to school and studied and needed good grades because after all she needed to stay excellent. She needed it. She needed her mom to be proud. But, guys, guys. I can hang out with you after? That wasn’t enough, and the silence was back. The drowning, drowning silence.

In the silence there’s a glow, a spark and distant world of internet late at night after studying. Words like lesbian instead of homo seem to make a lot more sense, but it’s not excellent, so that’s going to stay silent too. Gay people go to hell, or least that’s what her mom and priest say and the chants and hymns at church are suddenly drowning too. Drowning her away. Mom always asks what boys are you into and Sarah mumbles something about being too busy for boys and it’s not really a lie. Drowning in lies is not something she does because she is too busy for boys and she’d still be too busy for boys if they were girls. So, she just bumbles homes and continues to learn calculus even though her class is only learning pre-calc because that’s what the excellent do. Even if the excellent have discovered a new way to asphyxiate and fly.

Because the excellent are innovative. And the innovative know that if you asphyxiate for long enough wow the high you feel. The way the world spins, you can drown in pleasure and joy and nothing is as raw or perfect. And wow it’s so sweet and wearing scarves isn’t so bad because its winter. And even in the summer she’ll figure something out because bruises are not excellent and a little suspicious.

Not that her mother has been suspicious because the As are rolling in and her poems are so excellent and deep and award winning. Where on earth do you get those ideas? You’re such an old soul who’s experienced so many lives. That’s why you don’t get along with kids your age.

Which was of course the understatement of understatements. Understatements are not excellent and heaven, and hell in this case because that’s where lesbians go, knows Sarah is anything, but excellent.

Her mother in the summer saw the bruises and finally knew she wasn’t excellent. She was so disappointed and doctors still don’t know anything. De is a suffix means down, so she can’t be depressed because depressed people aren’t high and that doesn’t make any sense. Or at least that’s what the people on the internet say.

They also point out all the best ways to get high. Asphyxiate longer, but that’s not excellent and if she’s not excellent then why exist. If she’s not excellent, then she isn’t going to fit in and she can’t go back to the others who skip school because now they’ve got track marks and needles are scary. But razors aren’t so bad and the way the endorphins release in her brain drown out everything and all she can realize is if she cut a little deeper it would numb them forever.

And the bath is so warm. Warm water has always been her favorite. And god red is such a beautiful color. And it’s filling the tub and the chemicals filling her brain are drowning every inch of pain and the tears are making the tub rise. Or is she sinking? Suddenly the asphyxiation hits. But this is drowning. This time she doesn’t flail and she doesn’t reach for the edge and her mother doesn’t grab her hand and beam with pride. 

Someone can only tread for so long.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, let me know what you think.


End file.
